I AM A HYPOCRITE

 

Ever looked for the biggest hypocrite?

You don't have to anymore 

I have brought myself - like a lamb to the slaughter house, crucify me. But wait - here are some nails, these are 13 inches high, they would go faster into my skin, spurting out my bones and blood. I do not have any flesh, so you needn’t worry. Literally.

You may be asking "What is all this"

Sigh

Let me explain 

I'm not being sarcastic 

I barely use sarcasm

I speak truth, truth in fiction, truth in harsh reality. Truth as it is. Raw, unbridled truth.

For someone who knows much, I know I am a hypocrite

I'm not offended when I call myself that, but it would sting if you did. So don't, don't step on shaky waters, you'll drown. I am closer to madness than I appear to be. So behave.

Now hear me out.....

I am a hypocrite because I know what is right and wrong and still choose wrong. 

I know I'm not supposed to do but I do anyways, does that make me a hypocrite? No, but.....

It's like when you see fire, dancing, dangling in sight, it's beautiful, it burns, it hurts, you know that, but yet still you stand rooted to the spot, look at it in awe, salivate while looking at it and touc- burn!!!!!! That's what will happen, and a person like you will draw back, mind racing, soothing your pain. But a girl like me would let it burn me, in my eyes you'll see the flames dancing as they feast on my hands, and I would either laugh in delirium or cry out in pain, but I won't draw back, I never do.

Sigh, I am digressing.

Now to the real thing

I tell you not to fornicate, but I enjoy the pleasures and thrill that come with it. I know it's wrong, so I tell you it's wrong, but within me that knowledge is not enough to stop me, how hypocritical of me then, to tell you about a knowledge that can't even stop me from doing the very thing I preach against.

I tell you you are pretty, because I can see you need to hear it. I do not lie. God has woven us intricately, with love and purpose and beauty. That is not a lie. But as you cry out your insecurities I stare widely at them and also wish on your behalf they were not like that. Yet I don't tell you this and instead tell you there's nothing wrong, which is a lie. I say everybody is beautiful but I know that is a lie. I look at myself and I can't see it for even myself, how then can I see it for you. I know I am not as pretty as I want to be but I don't tell anyone that- so I tell you the lie, which is full of truth. Truth here is relative. 

Currently I want to stop being a hypocrite, so I don't say yes and do no. I try to say yes and do yes. But it's hard- hard to not do something you know your maker hates, hard to preach what you don't practice, hard to be confined in a religion or a society or an upbringing that prohibits you from doing something you want to do. Ache to do. Crave to do. So you adhere publicly. And break privately. Is that not hypocrisy. Does that not make us hypocrites. Please tell me. To choose to go with morality would mean deny your flesh, your desires- as you should. (more understandable if you are a christian) but to choose to live on your terms is to go against all you stood for, all you were inculcated with. It is to be selfish with yourself and go against truth and crave your own path, your own truth. That's daring. Not for me. It's not something I can do. So I kill two birds with one stone. I love both. Which is not true, there's always a master, one I love more. I can't probe which one, because I am afraid of what I would find

I tell you to stay strong but I break down in most situations 

I tell you to forgive but nobody has ever tasted forgiveness from my end.

I tell you to be content but nobody has ever longed more than I have 

I tell you to break free but I'm held captive

I tell you it's nice but we know it isn't 

I tell you I love Jesus but we both know I love the world too

I tell you to stay but I need you to leave

I tell you to leave but I wish you would stay

I tell you I'm happy but I have never hated this life as much as I do now

I tell you I

I tell you 

I tell

I tell you all these things and.........

So what do I do

What does that make me

Now you know I was not being sarcastic 

I am a hypocrite 

I'm I happy about it - no

Will I change one day - hopefully 

But before then what do I do. I sit here in limbo and pray you tell me what I could do- to ease this turmoil and make my racing mind a little bit calmer

                           ©️Amari🖊

PS: [For all write-ups you can comment anonymously. Your opinion, matters]